Clearing…warning a bit on the rambling side

When I originally read the post about clearing something out to make room for something else; some things immediately came to mind and I jumped on them. I cleaned out closets and organized personal and professional spaces. I even had a couple of conversations that I knew in the back of my mind I had avoided. It felt good. It also felt like I was done for the immediate moment. Turns out as I was a little premature.

This week has been flatter for me than the weeks past in Mondo. Seven is sick with a double ear infection. He only wants ME and I love him more than anything but if I can’t 10 minutes to myself I might lose it.  I have fought something all week too. Not to mention more rainy and grey days and one legitimate workout. Not all adding up to happiness in my world.

But today Seven is back up to speed and this is a normal work day for me. I took him to nanny share and proceeded to drive home and go back to bed. I felt like serious crap. Meds kicked in, started to feel better. I decided to take the day and not check emails a bunch, not work on Mondo, just be. Then I started thinking about my brother in the other room. The 24-year-old who I talked into moving here from L.A. after a year of being seriously unhappy. (he had been out of college for a year)

Come to Atlanta! There is tv here, there are movies made here, a music and art scene. Just on a smaller scale than L.A. Go back when you have some more experience and a plan I told him. So he moved here. It’s been 6 months.

Anyhow, back to the kid who is sleeping in our house at noon, waiting tables somewhere he hates and missing his girlfriend. I decide I will make him happy today. I popped my head in his room, ask him if he wants to join me for lunch and then let’s be complete drop-outs together and go see a movie in the middle of the afternoon. But as I was saying it, I knew it didn’t feel true. I started to feel there was another clearing I had to make.

At lunch while I gently talked to him about his plan and what else he would like to do; I didn’t get much of a response. I have given him so many leads and talked to people on his behalf and it just hasn’t lined up yet. Yes I got him a job from day one at a friend’s bar, I also helped him get a DJ gig or two but nothing that has completely stuck. And you know what? I feel so responsible for that. I feel like I failed him.

But now going through these exercises in Mondo; I know in my gut that this cannot be true. Me letting him down.  I can’t have failed him by giving food and shelter and a job and a place to kick around ideas. Right? Why does this realization hurt so much though? How I do “clear” someone who I love tremendously and still help him in any way I can but at the same time not cripple myself?

UPDATE!

Okay not even a couple of hours after I had this thought and cried and attempted to clear; you know what happened? My brother met me in the kitchen and told me he was moving back to L.A. He had a plan, he has a project and he is excited. I could tell he was nervous to tell me but I have nothing but joy for him. Will I miss him ridiculously? Of course. But I can’t believe that I put this out there for me and for him…and look what happened. It’s beyond amazing.

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3 Responses to “Clearing…warning a bit on the rambling side”

  1. rawqueen Says:

    Thanks for the warning, but I would have taken a little more rambling. Good for u. Funny how the universe just knows girlfriend! You give and let go. Getting better at it all the time. Hope you are feeling so much better. Looking forward to hearing about your meeting. By the way , I am RQ here, but S.B.Lyngo at Mondo. Your honesty is a gift to the world…

  2. mamie Says:

    oh jen, you have no idea how close this is to my heart. and i think you are doing the exactly ‘right’ thing in this. i will email in detail later but it seems like you are really open to the need you have to clear, not your house, not your space, but your heart. it is speaking the message he needed to hear and you are telling him he has your love and your support, but that he needs to find his legs to stand on.

    and by the update, it sound like he heard it positively and clearly. and you can tell him if he needs a home cooked meal and a toddler fix, he can come down the freeway and drop in on us….and i am not just saying that. this house still holds another 23 year old that he can hang with if needed.

    🙂 a

  3. Kat Says:

    WOW! What an extraordinary story and an even more incredible update!
    It’s just like Noelle Oxenhandler said this week: sticking your neck out is such an important part of the process.
    Your brother is lucky to have such a loving, protective big sis. He is also lucky that you are doing this work and mining the depths of your soul in order to love him as he needs to be loved.
    Please be gentle to yourself now. Recovering from a bug (and caring for a sick little ‘un) is gruelling enough. But healing from open heart “surgery” takes time… a lot longer than we ever seem give ourselves.
    Imagine what awaits you, having made that clearing!

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