Where to next?

That’s what I am asking myself on all sorts of fronts right now. Where to next with this blog? Where to with my list of dreams? Where to with my new found friendships? After spending almost 2 years in  a constant circle it feels exciting, scary, freeing to be going in a direction. An actual road in front of me that I partially control but really large parts of it are really me just being pulled. A strong yank that doesn’t hurt but that is definitely present. You know the kind when you were a kid and your friend grabbed your hand and you both took off in a zig zag direction, laughing the whole way?  Something like that.

I must admit that this Mondo experience has put me in such an interesting spot. It is the art of taking our dreams and applying that to  how we live our lives every day. Sounds amazing right? But you know, it is also work. I am not afraid of work. I just feel a bit hesitant as I try to foster this new method in my thinking. To be honest, it would be easy to ride the high wave of the 5 week class and then slowly roll back to the way things were before. Setting goals, claiming to be happy when those goals are met but then already having a new goal in place by the time I reach it that there is never room for a celebration for what just happened. Let alone ever taking a moment to just enjoy the journey or even the uneventful day along the way.  Yet there is such an internal pull in my gut to not let that happen. Why would I intentionally short change celebrations, playing, being present and spreading my arms wide open to this thing called life? For lack of a better word that would be stupid.

My new friends. Wow. Where to start with this one. After I had Seven I was so determined to not become classified as a mom. I don’t know why but I have always hated being categorized by ANYTHING. I love being a mother, it’s not that, it’s just I didn’t want people to associate anything about me because I was one. So on the one hand this made me feel very independent of it all but without knowing I had also become very, very lonely. The whole transition of before baby and after baby has been really complicated for me. I didn’t relate to friends who had kids because I was resisting it and my friends who didn’t have kids, well what did they understand now? I mean I still have been social and maintained relationships but there has been a void and I had no idea how big it had gotten. What made me aware of this was Mondo.

Outside of the assigned exercises completely, it is the gift of  the women I have become closest to. Each has small children and we started out by identifying with each other because of the way we wrote, the dreams we shared. The being a mom part is a thing we share, that at least for me, has taken it a whole other level. It is like we just know certain things about each other without them being said. There is this bond I feel where words come at the perfect time that make me laugh out loud or cry tears from feeling completely understood when I don’t 100% understand. They give me this strong desire to memorize their dream list and facilitate it in any way I can- big or small.

So where to next. This crazy, cobble stoned, curvy road in front of me. It has me feeling raw and exposed and so, so, so up for the challenge. The choices I make, remaining present, allowing things to just be, being ridiculously loyal to myself. All of this in good faith of wanting to be the biggest person possible, a mama that shows Seven the whole big world, a wife that loves from living it….it’s what I’ve got to do. I think this blog will be my journal, my map.

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3 Responses to “Where to next?”

  1. rawqueen Says:

    I love it! So identify with this post. Love the shoes. What a wonderful representation of a starting point. Inspiring indeed. Has me wondering about my starting point. “Loves from living it…” Crucial, perfect. Please keep us “posted” on the journey. Your blog is a perfect map. Excited to watch the unfolding… No pressure, well, at least not from “the moms”.

  2. mamie Says:

    you best be keeping this blog going, lady. it has become a really vital part of my mondo experience too. i actually get a little flutter when i see a new post pop up in my reader.

    i relate in many ways what you said about the post-seven, becoming a mother experience. i had such a rough and ugly first few months and i felt so so alone. no one i knew had twins and i have always resisted the whole organized play group thing. i fell into one when i met another twin mom randomly in a market, but it never worked. it is not that i think i am better or different, just none of the parents and i connected…not like us.

    now that they are older i am finding a new rhythm and it feels good. my initial blog was about knitting, then bedrest, then a pretty consistent accounting of their first year (i was terrified i would forget it all because of the ppd haze and memory loss of the first year so i almost frantically documented it…ironic that it rarely reads as a desperately sad mama when i read back sometimes).

    the mondo blog is for me, for us, for a record and a accountability to me, to the tribe and to dreaming. i love that it is a clean slate and space where i can create as i go….which will be there later and as a reminder.

    i am beyond excited as we get there…how ever that may happen, kiss, a

  3. Kat Says:

    Dear soul, you have really hit on something that was floating around somewhere in the back of my consciousness but I had never managed to articulate it.
    Like you, I strongly resist being pigeonholed. And somehow “Mum” has been the label I have pushed back against the most, although I would be first to claim all the beautiful, special, unique things it has given me.
    I am suspicious of other people’s labels and fear they will reduce and make bland all the magical, complex, mysterious things that I privately feel about something so close to my heart.
    By contrast, the deep and authentic connection that I have been privileged to forge with women who are dreaming their way to their best possible selves has been made all the richer for our shared journey through the zeniths and nadirs of motherhood.
    And this really has to be said: what completely fabulous shoes!

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